<3 Anti-Obama Satire

From The Times Online comes one hilarious piece poking fun at Obama and all those who exalt his name. Read on below. . .

He ventured forth to bring light to the world
The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers
Gerard Baker

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.
Background

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the

Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Well, hi!

Yeah, all right, so I'll just update this whenever I have a moment and/or something to share, and I'll just letcha know on Facebook and Twitter that I have something new. Deal? :-)

School's going all right. I'm getting pretty tired of core classes, though. I'm SO ready to get started on my History classes at UTA!

I did a really cool Powerpoint presentation in my Speech class several weeks ago on drilling for oil on American soil. Got myself a full petition to send to AmericanSolutions.com!

Indiana Jones 4 was pretty fun. Certainly wasn't the best, but I'm pretty sure I loved it more than most Indy superfans. The Incredible Hulk was AMAZING, and The Dark Knight was even better than I could have ever imagined.

Jenn is my pretty pretty girl, and I'm gonna marry her sweet patootie! She's nuzzling me right now. It's awesome. Oop, there she goes again!

That's it for now. Tootles.

Sean Hannity's Top 10 Items For Victory

This is a GREAT list cooked up by Sean Hannity. Something every Conservative/Republican should take to heart.

Hannity's Top 10 Items for Victory

1) To be the Candidate of National security:
a) Victory in Iraq
b) Fully support NSA, Patriot act, tough interrogations, keeping Gitmo open
c) A Candidate that pledges to NOT demean our military while they are fighting for their Country. eg Harry Reid: "the surge has failed", "the war is lost"
d) Candidate that promises to ensure that our veterans can live out their lives in dignity.

2) The Candidate who pledges to oppose Appeasement:
a) The Candidate will oppose any and all efforts to negotiate with dictators of the world in places like Iran, Syria, N.Korea, Cuba, and Venezuela without "pre-conditions"

3) The Candidate Pledges to support Tax CUTS, and fiscal responsibility:
a) The American people are NOT under taxed, Government Spends too much
b) The Candidate who Pledges to ELIMINATE and VOTE AGAINST ALL Earmarks
c) The Candidate pledges to BALANCE the budget

4) The Candidate Pledges to be a supporter of "Energy Independence"
a) supports Immediate drilling in Anwar and the 48 states
b) Building new refineries
c) Begin building and using Nuclear Facilities
d) expand coal mining
e) realistic steward of the environment
While simultaneously working with private industry to develop the new energy technologies for the future, with the goal being that America becomes completely energy independent within the next 15 years.

5) The Candidate pledges to secure our borders completely within 12 months:
a) build all necessary fences
b) use all available technology to help and support agents at the border
c) train and hire agents as needed

6) Healthcare:
The Candidate will look for Free-Market solutions to the problems facing the Healthcare industry, and will vigorously oppose any efforts to "nationalize healthcare".
a) The Candidate will fight for Individual health savings accounts, that includes "catastrophic insurance" for every American, so people can control their own healthcare choices.

7) Education:
a) The Candidate pledges to "save" American children from the failing educational system
b) The Candidate will fight to break the unholy alliance of the Democratic party and teachers unions, which at best has institutionalized mediocrity, and has failed children across the country
c) fight for "CHOICE" in education and let parents decide
d) fight for vouchers for parents

8) Social Security and Medicare:
a) The Candidate will "save" social security and medicare from bankruptcy.
b) Options will include "private retirement" funds so people can "control" their own destiny.

9) Judges
a) The Candidate vows to support ONLY judges who recognize that their job is to interpret the Constitution, and NOT legislate from the bench.

10) American Dream:
The Candidate accepts as their duty and responsibility to educate, inform, and remind people that with the blessings of Freedom comes a Great responsibility. That Government's primary goal is to preserve, protect and defend our God given gift of freedom.

That Governments do not have the ability to solve all of our problems, and to take away all of our fears and concerns. We need their pledge that they will be the candidate that promotes Individual liberty, Capitalism, a strong national defense and will support policies that encourage such...

It is our fundamental belief that limited Government, and Greater individual responsibility will insure the continued prosperity and success for future generations.

We the people who believe in the words of Ronald Reagan, that we are "the best last hope for man on this earth," "a shining city on a hill," and that our best days are before us if our Government will simply trust the American people.

-- Reposted from Hannity.com

Good stuff. I wish someone would step up and suit action to these words.

Updates. Again.

Well, here we are again. Hey, at least it wasn't another full month, right!? :-)

Lots of fun was had over the past weeks. Jenn and I went to Taste Addison again this year. It was a lot of fun! Switchfoot was very very cool on Friday night, but we didn't bother staying for Gavin DeGraw. Mainly because there are only one or two songs by him that we know. Ha! Saturday was cool for the most part. The Killdares were phenomenal as they always are, and there were a couple of other small-time bands that were pretty decent. The Black Crowes were the headline show for the night, and we were initially going to stay for them... until we realized how much weed was being smoked even before the concert started. It was pretty ridiculous. So we took off and walked around the park during that show, and definitely ended up having more fun that way. If you're interested in pics and vids, click the NOM NOM below to view the gallery...

Now, Taste Addison was fun and all. Good food, good music, etc.. But to me, that didn't hold a candle to the event I've been waiting for since I first discovered this band eleven years ago...



Yeah, baby! Apocalyptica in Dallas!

The guys were AWESOME. Everything I was hoping for when I first heard they were coming here. We had a big group go out there, and we got a great spot up in the balcony. Excellent view of the whole stage, and we didn't have to worry about the craziness in the crowd below (there was a big fight that we saw Security break up).

Anyway, got pics and a couple other vids to see. Click on the scary and awesome doods below to check out the gallery...



That is one of my all-time favorite pictures, by the way.

So, what else is new?

Still working on finding a job. I'm going to apply at Bowie High School for the same job I wanted to get at Lamar High School.

I registered for my Fall classes at UTA! :-) I have a bunch of awesome History classes to take, and I'm stoked about my new major and my (somewhat) new school.

Iron Man was freakin' SWEET. Prince Caspian was excellent, too. Totally pumped about seeing Indiana Jones 4 this weekend.

Jenn and I went with my dad to Hico on Saturday for their annual state steak cook-off. My uncle is the principal of Hico High School, and Jenn got to meet him and my aunt while we were there. Gooooooood steak, too.

I've been listening to Sean Hannity and Mark Levin lately. If you don't know who they are, they're Conservative radio talk show hosts who speak a lot of truth in my opinion. Not looking for any debate here or anything (I know a lot of my online friends here are not-so-Conservative), but I'll probably be posting stuff I find from them occasionally. Tomorrow, Hannity's going to be posting a list of Conservative ideals that he feels the Republican Party has drifted away from and needs to take a good, fresh look at once more. I'll prob'ly repost that list on here tomorrow (or whenever I get a chance to blog again). :-)

<-- This is cool.

Guess that's it for now. Peace.

Updates Updates Updates...

What's up, friends. Still struggling to find time to update this thing more often, so I apologize for not doing such a good job.

Still been crazy busy IRL! Jenn and I went to Special Olympics last Saturday to cheer on Mark and my students. It was a lot of fun, and I'll get those pictures up soon as I can. We also went to the Rangers game that evening, which was a lot of fun. The fireworks were gorgeous. I was a little annoyed though, because they lost that night 12-6, then turned around and pitched a shutout and won 10-0 the next day! LAME!

Finals are next week! This semester has been wild, and I'm looking forward to it ending. I'm really pumped about transferring to UTA next fall, and I'm ready to really start getting into that nice long list of History classes I need for my degree. :-)

Still waiting to hear from the principal of Lamar High School about that lab manager job. Kim, our nurse and my very dear friend, was sweet enough to call his wife, who is the head of the nursing department, and see if she could put a word in for me. After emailing Michelle last week and thanking her for anything she could say to him on my behalf, I got an email back from her this morning letting me know that she did talk to him about me, and even forwarded my thank-you email to him. She was very sweet to me, and I'm very optimistic that I'm building up quite a foundation here that will give me enough leverage to get this job that I want/need so badly. Very exciting!

I'll wrap it up by posting the pics from the campout that I promised y'all. Click the picture below to view the entire gallery...

Oh, and I'm seeing a movie on Friday. Looks pretty cool, maybe you've heard of it.

Muh.

Hi. Sorry, I suck. It's been waaaaay too long since I updated. I've totally gimped out on all my projects and stuff. Between registering for summer classes, registering for UTA in the fall, finding a new job, and spending time with Jenn, I've had no time at all for anything else.

What? What did I say? Finding a new job? That's right, friends, I'm moving on. After seven years of working at Webb, I'm completely and utterly burned out. Plus, I need better pay. TA pay sucks. Anyway, today I had an interview at the Apple Store in Highland Park. It was pretty lame. The guy seemed really uncomfortable talking to me. Plus, he didn't seem very keen at all on starting me off on a full-time schedule. Which sucks, because I can't afford anything BUT a full-time schedule. So, if he calls me back next week for a follow-up interview, I'm not exactly sure if I can afford to take it or not.

That being said, there's another phone call I'm waiting on. I applied to be computer lab manager at Lamar High School. Same days I'm working now, yet considerably better pay. How 'bout that for a deal? So, I submitted my resume to the principal of Lamar on Monday evening. The deadline to apply is next Monday, so it'll at least be that long before I should expect any phone call from them.

Jenn and I took part in an awesome retreat at Tyler State Park last weekend with our Sunday School class. It was quite the blastie blast, and I'll try to get pictures up as soon as possible. Keep an eye on my Flickr, or just come back here because I'll post them here as well.

Other than that, I suppose that's about it for now. I'm just sitting here in the lecture hall, waiting on my Texas Gov't class to start in about twenty minutes. After that, I'll be heading to church for orchestra rehearsal. Christopher, our new music minister, emailed me to let me know that we're going an arrangement of "Be Thou My Vision" for Sunday's service, and there's a cello solo in it. To say I'm excited is a little bit of an understatement. I'm SO happy to be playing again. :-)

Hope you're having a good one. Stay tuned, friends, I promise I'll be a good boy about updating as frequently as I used to. And I definitely promise to finish up the Alphabet Project and get started on my Good People Day 08 project. That one's going to be a lot of fun, I should have started it back when I first talked about it.

U is for "Up, Up And Away!"

Look to the skies.

Seriously, who doesn't want to be able to fly? Geek or otherwise, you know you want to.

Oh hey, if you ever have trouble seeing these photos because of the transparency, click on them to see 'em in my Flickr gallery. Just promise me you'll come right back here. :-)

Good People Day '08!

Yep, yet another project! :-) But this one should be really, really great. Following a little trend that's fired up around the interwebz, I'm going to start a project called Good People Day '08. Basically, I'll be posting a photo of a person who's very important in my life, followed by a little story/anecdote about them. I'm hoping to spread the love on pretty thick here, because there are quite a few people in my life that are very important to me.

Oh, and with the exception of the first entry that I'll be posting soon, these will come in no particular order. It just depends on how long it takes me to write something up, when I get a new photo of them, and so on. But yeah, the first one is most important for obvious reasons. ;-) Stay tuned!

Also, I've tweaked things a little bit. I really wanted some more space in the main body here, so I can post slightly larger pictures and not feel so freakin' claustrophobic. Let me know if you have problems seeing anything, and I'll see what I can do about fixing it.

T is for Together!

Together with my two favorite girls. :-)

S is for Strings!

Can you tell what's been the big thing lately? Haha!

I've missed my cello so much. It feels fantastic to be playing it again.

R is for Rehearsal!

Man, it felt good to play in church again. :-)

Tweaking...

Tweakin' the ol' blog here. Stay tuned.

Q is for Queasy.

Wasn't feeling too awesome at work today. :-( My allergies were aggravating me to the point of making me nauseous and dizzy. I took off early so I could get some rest, only to realize that I needed to take my car in to get a new tire and get my oil changed. THEN I had to go to the grocery store, so I pretty much didn't get any rest at all.

Still, I'm feeling better now. My head is still hurting, but it's not nearly as bad as this morning. I decided to skip my gov't class tonight (scandalous!) so I can hang out and relax over here at Jenn's, so life is pretty darn good.

P is for Play!

So, did you know I play the cello? LOL

I haven't seriously picked it up on a few years. Before I started practicing again last night, I've only played for Jenn one time since we started dating (which is even more inexcusable). But now that I'm gonna be playing in the church orchestra, I'm really excited about picking it up again!

O is for O NOES!

Flat tire'd on the way to church! By a little bitty shard of glass, of all things.

N is for New Kitty!

Meet BC!

Never really mentioned this online, but my mom's cat unfortunately passed away last week. She was only 10, but she had some kind of seizure and didn't make it. Mom was pretty crushed, but she was in for quite a treat.

Kim (our nurse at work) takes in strays at her home, and this little guy found his way to her for one reason or another. When she heard my mom was looking for a new cat, she offered to get him check out and give him to us! She went through the trouble of getting him fixed, shots up to date, and tested for feline leukemia and AIDS. He has a perfectly clean bill of health, and he's only a year old. And now he's the newest member of our family!

M is for Maddie!

See more LOLMaddie pics here!

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

L is for Life Water.

Pomegranate Cherry. Good stuff!

K is for Knowledge!

Yay for Texas Government class! My teacher is Allan Saxe, who is one awesome dude.

J is for Jennifer!

The love of my life! Making a letter J, because she's a cute lil' thang like that!

I is for Impala!

I love my car. :-)

H is for Hippity Hoppity...

Easter's on its way! God bless you all on this Hoppy Easter!

G is fo' Gangsta!

For shizzle, my rizzle.

F is for Freakin' SWEET!

Apocalyptica in Dallas on May 12th! Yeah, baby!

Stuff White People Like.

Now THIS is hilarious!!!

"Guitar Hero on Tour" for DS!

(Click for big pic)
How awesome is that? Looks like there's finally a Guitar Hero coming out for the Nintendo DS! No release date that I can find, but it looks pretty freakin' sweet. The biggest thing about this release is a new "shell grip" attachment that has (only) four buttons for the game. It plugs into the GBA slot on the bottom, and you turn the DS sideways to play it.

(Click for big pic)
Very, very cool. Still trying to figure out how I'm gonna hold it with my big ol' paws, though...

EDIT: Okay, thanks to Austin for posting this video. As you can see at the end, it comes out this summer! And even better news: Austin doesn't like it, so that's one more on the market for somebody else to buy! ;-)




(Source)

Coming Attractions

Whole bunch of awesome movies coming out this year, so I figured I'd come up with a little list here of the ones I'm really looking forward to. Y'know, just for the heck of it.


March 28th
"Run, Fatboy, Run" -- Simon Pegg is the man. Love that guy.
"Superhero Movie" -- Actually been reading good things about this one!
April 4th
"Leatherheads" -- Get my football fix while we're in the off-season.
"Nim's Island" -- I only saw a commercial for this yesterday, and it looks like fun.
April 18th
"Forgetting Sarah Marshall" -- Tons o' buzz about this one. Love Jason Segel in "How I Met Your Mother."
April 25th
"Baby Mama" -- Now that Tina Fey is off of SNL and not being so much of a Liberal you-know-what, I really enjoy her work.
May 2nd
"IRON MAN" -- Srsly, do I need to say anything more?
May 9th
"Speed Racer" -- This one is gonna be fun! Yes, it's a bunch of CG craziness, but it's gonna be a bunch of FUN CG craziness.
May 16th
"The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" -- Love love LOVE Narnia. So excited.
May 23rd
"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" -- I think it's safe to say that this will in no way hold a candle to the original three movies, but it's still gonna be awesome.
June 13th
"The Incredible Hulk" -- It would be impossible for this one to be any worse than the first one. Very excited to see a Hulk/Abomination smackdown.
"The Happening" -- I really hope it's good.
June 20th
"Get Smart" -- Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, The Rock. What could possibly go wrong?
June 27th
"WALL·E" -- This is going to be my personal feel-good hit of the year. I can already tell. I'm gonna leave the theater after this one with a big grin on my face and thinking, "Yaaaay!" in my head.
July 4th
"Hancock" -- Will Smith as a disheveled and reluctant superhero? I'm there.
July 11th
"Hellboy II: The Golden Army" -- I REALLY wanted to like the first one, but I just couldn't get into it. Didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I hope this'll be different for me.
July 18th
"Batman: The Dark Knight" -- Heath Ledger's final movie. It's gonna be a very interesting experience.
August 1st
"The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" -- Suh-weeeeeet!
August 15th
"Tropic Thunder" -- This is gonna be one funny freakin' movie.

That's about all I got for now. More later as I see 'em!

E is for Exhausted.

The highway was brutal today, thanks to all the lovely flash flooding.

D is for Drunk!

Allen's been my best friend since third grade. Lousy drunk.

Okay, he's not really drunk. But man, he knows how to look the part!

"Rain" of chaos. Ba-dum-psh.

Many spots around the metroplex have seen a good several inches of rain. Enough to warrant a few voluntary evacuations here and there.

But honestly, does that mean we need to donate an entire hour's worth of newscast to the rain? Seriously, Jenn and I were watching the Channel 8 news today at noon, and they spent the whole friggin' hour discussing this rain. Never mind what's going on in the rest of the world today, let's spend an hour talking about flight cancellations and the evacuation of a trailer park.

The media kills me sometimes. Half of the time, they don't know what to cover. The other half of the time, they're biasing the CRAP out of the weirdest things.

C is for Collin!

Did you really expect anything else? :-)

B is for Bricks!

The leftovers from our little home improvement project yesterday. :-) I helped Jenn build a little wall around the hedges in front of her house. Liiiittle sore today.

Photography Project: Alphabet

I'm starting a new photography project! For the next 26 days, I plan to take and post a picture that represents the letter of that day. Come back often to see what's next.

A is for ANIMAL!

So, little about me...

For those of you who are new here, howdy. :-) My name is Collin. I'm 25 years old as of this entry, and I live in Arlington, Texas. I'm a teacher assistant at an elementary school here in Arlington (have been for 7 years). I work with children who have severe and profound disabilities. It wears me out every day, but it's still totally worth it.

So much so that I'm actually into my second semester back at school to get my degree and my Sped. certification, so I can be a real teacher and do the same thing I do now with triple the pay and triple the paperwork. Haha. Anyway, I'm at the Tarrant County College Southeast Campus right now, but I'm in the process of transferring over to Texas A&M Commerce (Midlothian Campus) beginning this summer. Which reminds me, I've gotta get those transcripts in the mail...

Anyway, the best part of my life? Easily my girlfriend, Jennifer.

Jenn and I have been together for well over a year now, and we love each other times infinity + 1. I plan on proposing to her this year, and we are going to get married just as soon as I finish getting my degree. Oh, and don't worry, she already knows that I'm proposing to her this year, so that's no big secret. She just doesn't know exactly when. ;-)

I'm very much a Christian. After giving my heart to Jesus back in '99, I ended up dropping out of church for one reason or another for a few years. BUT, I joined my girlfriend's church back in November, and I've very much found Him again. He's the reason she and I are together, and He's the reason I have been blessed in so many ways. I'm getting ready to join the church orchestra next month (I've played cello for... 16 years now?), and I'm very excited to get back to doing that.

I suppose that's it for now. Like I said before, I hope you'll bookmark me and drop by often, as I'm very excited to get things going on here. Leave comments, feel free to ask questions, and take care!

I Love Justice.

Two of my favorite action figures/characters. Click for bigger pic in Flickr.

Big C in da Hizzy!... Yeah!

So, after relying on MySpace and Facebook so long for all my bloggy needs, I've decided it's time for me to be a big boy and get a real blog here.

You'll find all the usual fare from me on here: thoughts, photos, links, and other stuff that encompasses everything in my wacky and fun little world. I hope you'll bookmark me and come by often, as I really want to keep this thing updated as often as possible, and hopefully keep you entertained to a degree. Peace out, foo.